Cat's Corner of Montana

Last night was the first night in a very long while that I had trauma dreams about my childhood. I think that I had probably forgotten how absolutely terrified I once was of growing up and becoming an adult. Obviously I'm pretty much over that these days, as I've been an adult for many years now and the world has yet to actually end, but I must still remember exactly what it was like on some unconscious level.

Dream #1

In the first dream, I was in a redwood forest, getting ready to climb one of those big giant ones you always see documentaries about on the Travel Channel. Cut to me somehow being all the way at the top of the tree without understanding how the hell I got there. I think "oh crap I have to get down from here because this is dangerous" but see that the nearest branch is way too far down for me to actually get to safely.

This is where I look around at all the other redwoods in the forest and see that each has a person of its own climbing all the way to the top... only they apparently remembered to bring their ropes, pulleys, and climbing gear so they could get around so high up safely without having to worry about falling. I, of course, have no such gear and wonder how I could have been so damned stupid.

From there, I remember thinking that the only way out of the situation was to choose between starving to death and committing suicide by jumping out of the tree. I also vaguely remember deciding I was going to jump to get the horror over with as quickly as possible.

Dream #2

I was on the beach wading out into the ocean and enjoying the water, which was only about knee deep. After I get out a certain distance, I notice that there are two brown cows swimming in the water and wanting me to play with them. I love cows, so I comply, petting them and splashing around with them in the ocean without a care in the world.

And here is where there's another weird cut to the same situation, only an extended amount of time into the future without me knowing how I got there. I'm still out in the ocean, only I apparently wandered so far out that I can no longer see the shore. The sun has gone down, the cows are gone, and apparently the tide has come in... severely. The water is now up to my shoulders and rising and I don't know how to swim, so this is just as bad as being stuck up in a redwood.

I try to wade toward where I think the shore ought to be, and it turns out someone has closed the ocean... like... for the night or something. There is high, wrought iron fencing cutting off the deep part of the ocean where I am from the shore where it's safe. Needless to say, I again feel panicked because there is no way out of a perilous situation.

I vaguely remember riding my childhood bike to the beach and looking for it on the shore itself, although it's waaaaaaaaaaay past where the iron fencing is. I see it on the beach, only it's rusted, bent, and twisted.... like a bike that's been in the junkyard for years. I remember wondering how that could be since I literally just rode it to the beach earlier that day.

I again start to panic because I realize I don't remember where I live or how to get there, so even if I manage to escape the situation and find alternate transportation, I will have nowhere to go. At this point, I wake myself up because this was the umpteenth dream of this type that I'd had that night.

So how do I know for sure these were terror dreams about childhood and not just any old anxiety dreams? Because I remember the kind of terror I was feeling all too well, despite the fact that I haven't felt it since childhood. It was the exact same terror I used to feel when I was young at times when I would think about how awful I thought it would be to have to grow up and be an adult. It was just this positively overwhelming combination of anxiety, terror, and uncertainty. I recognized it right away upon waking from these dreams. I had forgotten it totally in the years since childhood, it would seem.

Oddly enough, I woke up this morning and read that Neptune had gone direct last night, and supposedly dreams about long-buried things that I don't normally think about were a possible result. This would be especially so for me since my Neptune is in my first house, the house of identity. I usually keep track of what's going on with my chart just out of interest, but I don't keep track of it that closely, so I had no idea. (I suppose that could be some of the reason certain things have been on my mind over the past couple of days.)

Typically I avoid thinking about the past a whole lot... at least in that sense. I consciously consider overindulging in nostalgia or spending time stewing about past relationships or past concerns to be an immense waste of time. Even when I have nightmares, they're typically about the future, or else supernatural things that would be totally beyond my control, like demon possessions, or hauntings, or something.

These were much worse though. They took me back to a time in my life when I felt utterly powerless and overwhelmed in a way I no longer feel as an adult. However, I also feel oddly cleansed this morning -- as if during the night I somehow put down a load I've been carrying for a long time, if that makes any sense. That's not the typical feeling I tend to have after a long cycle of nightmares. I'm not totally certain why these should really be any different.